Thyroid- a major culprit

Thyroid problems can be a main cause of infertility. One thing you can do is (the obvious) ask your doctor to test your levels. Another thing you can do is use essential oils. Now, I'm still a little skeptical when it comes to essential oils...but hey, it can't hurt, right?

Essential Oils for Thyroid

My sister in law sells doterra, so if you're interested in trying it out, just let me know!
elsa15@hotmail.com

Fix You

Fix You- ColdPlay
When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you need, but not what you want
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Move Along- All American Rejects

Go ahead as you waste your days with thinking When you fall everyone stands
Another day and you've had your fill of sinking
With the life held in your Hands are shaking cold
These hands are meant to hold

Speak to me, when all you got to keep is strong
Move along, move along like I know you do
And even when your hope is gone
Move along, move along just to make it through

To everyone who has ever suffered a loss. It will get better, I promise. Keep strong. Keep fighting for your little one.
I know what it's like to fight and to lose. I know what it's like to lose hope. I know what it's like to want to give up completely and surrender. But if you keep standing every time you're wounded, if you keep praying for strength, if you keep proving your worth, you will be blessed.
In the meantime, these are good songs to help in your grieving process.

Wednesday Websites Part 1

I've decided to start sharing some of the research I did when I was going through my infertility issues. Anyone who knows me, knows that when I have a problem, I have to actively be trying to solve that problem. It was either submerge myself in trying to figure out what the heck was wrong with me or drown in a deep depression- I chose prayer and research. Here are just a few of the websites.

infertility website
infertlity website 2
Fertility Friend- An awesome (free!) tool to help you track your ovulation (Even though I still recommend the cbe monitor)
Taking Charge of Your Fertility- good website, awesome book
SoulCysters- a great website for understanding PCOS. Offers a lot of support and tips.
Insulite- not sure about this one (I haven't personally used it, but it sounds interesting). A program to help you "reverse" pcos.

Home Made Conception Kit

This was the inspiration:


Conception Kit

But I was cheap and too burned out to try anything expensive that might not work. I wasn't too tired, however, to try things that were free. Since we already had the clearblue easy fertility monitor (tells you exactly when you're ovulating-I was on cycle day 30 before I ovulated. If I hadn't been using the monitor, we never would've gotten pregnant):


All we needed was to add this to make our own "conception kit":
When the monitor shows peak ovulation, you put the goods in the cup and insert it. It brings the semen in direct contact with the opening of the cervix for four to six hours. This allows the sperm cells a greater opportunity to move into the uterine cavity and fertilize an egg.


Now, however, most insurances will cover the cost of the original kit, so check it out!

Angel Baby

Triploi--what?? Balanced translo--who?? It was then I realized I shouldn't have taken Spanish in high school, because he was obviously speaking a language I had never heard before. I just smiled and pretended to know what he was talking about...I don't think I was very convincing, however, because my doctor then proceeded to draw a little picture (.....like that really helped). I was just relieved to find out it was just a chromosomal something or other, and as I started to get up he said "We'll have to get you and your husband karyotyped for balanced translocation"
SPEAK ENGLISH MAN!!!
"ummm...okay, and that means?"
"We'll just need to get some bloodwork done on the both of you"
Oh, ok. That doesn't sound too...wait a minute...is he saying that WE could be the cause of the miscarriages?

As soon as I got home, Dr. Ruth went straight to work--hmmm---that sounded a little disturbing. I meant that I went online to see what the heck this doctor was going on about. As I looked up "balaced translocation" words like "severe birth defects", "recurrent miscarriage" and "infertility" appeared...I realized that the reassurance in my doctor's voice was quite decieving.

I was terrified as we waited for the results of the bloodwork, I just knew that I was the cause.... we got a call 2 weeks later, and it turns out Joel was actually the one who is the carrier. Who knew? It was a shock to both of us and I didn't know what to say ( I had previously made such a big deal (because I thought it was me that had the bt), saying how he'd be better off marrying someone else because then he could have the "perfect little family"---oops.) He didn't seem too worried, however, saying that maybe we're just not meant to be parents (yes, I almost smacked him--but I think I was too in shock from that comment). What do we do now? I have no idea. We could do IVF with preimplantaion genetic diagnosis which is only aboout $18,000...chump change (also, all the studies I"ve read indicate that it's not very successful for bt) , use donor sperm (nice thought...but I think I would feel a little violated...don't ask me why! Plus hubby says that's a no go), adopt (love the idea, scared to death of the future), or we could keep trying naturally (which doesn't happen very easily for us anyway) and if it actually does work, we'd take a test @ 10 weeks (if we ever make it that far) to see if it would have unbalanced translocation (balanced is good...or at least doesn't cause any birth defects--it's what Joel has...but if it is unbalanced it would cause severe birth defects...and that, to me, is very scary).

The machine is broken

I've never written this down...so here goes nothing.Joel and I decided on a whim to get an IUI done. It happened so quickly. We met with the Dr. on a Wednesday, I got the trigger shot the next day, and then on Friday Joel's best swimmers were hmmm, how do I put this..brought closer to the egg? Anyways, 2 weeks later I sat with a cheap equate hpt in one hand and a cup of my pee on the counter, debating on whether or not to test. Finally I ripped it and dunked it in the cup for 20 second (ok, fine...25 seconds...because those extra 5 seconds magically make another line appear) all the while I was so frickin' mad at myself! I had just wasted $3.50!! What the heck was I thinking?! I set the stupid test down and walked ubruptly out of the room, and then, of coarse, I was mad...but still curious. I sighed as I walked back in there, and as I shook my head and rolled my eyes I quickly glanced down (not believeing I was actually going to indulge my curiousity only to find another negative test) and as I walked out again I realized...it wasn't blank! I ran back in, picked up the test and it was as if it were a neon sign blinking *pregnant*pregnat*pregnant*! I was shaking so badly! But I still managed to get on the internet to see when the due date would be....it was St. Patrick's Day!! The anniversary of mine and Joel's first date. How perfect. It was like a fairy tale. Then shear horror swept thru my body as I thought "what if Imiscarry!" I couldn't possibly miscarry...I had already done that! It doesn't happen more than once!....right?

I spent the next 5 weeks in utter terror (and read every single Harry Potter book...again) . When I came to my 9th week I started to calm down. I was sure everything would be fine. I had my second Dr.'s appointment at 9wks 4days. My friend (who was a month behind me) came with me. I told the Dr. I felt pretty good (we had seen the heartbeat at 6 wks 3 days) but it would be nice if I could get another ultrasound, just so I could finally breathe a little easier. This being the awesome dr. he is, agreed saying we could find some excuse for the insurance company and they told me they could fit me in that afternoon. I called Joel to see if he wanted to be there and he said yes. My friend was looking a little queezy, so I told her that Joel was coming and she could go ahead and go home (she drove). Joel finally got there and I told him I was excited and blah, blah, blah and that pheobe was there blah blah blah...then he stopped me and asked "wait..Pheobe left?"
"yeah" I replied looking a little puzzled "it's not like I need a ride home"
He rubbed his forehead and with an aggitated sigh said "Ruth...I got dropped off...."
"Crap..."
He called his mom to see if she could come pick us up and soon after that we were called in for the ultra sound! I laid there draped in my oversized napkin as she did her thing. There it was! On the screen...wait.. I think their machine is broken...it says 8wks 5 days, but I'm 9 wks 4 days, hmm...that's okay, sometimes the dates are off. She fiddled around and said the little guy was being tricky and hiding, she couldn't find the heartbeat then she left to go get the Doctor. Just then my heart sank...I knew it only took 30 seconds max to find a heartbeat...I felt like I was in a dream. The doctor came in, the ultrasound tech fiddled around some more, typed a bunch of numbers in and I just sat there looking at my doctors furrowed brow. As he began to speak about having a D&C or waiting to see if I would miscarry naturally, it seemed like everything went really fuzzy, I know he was saying things and as I sat there, biting my lip so hard to stop from crying (however, a few tears managed to leak out), I just nodded my head. I had lost something so valuable and something that could never be replaced- my precious baby. After he left Joel quickly came to my side and I grabbed him so hard and just sobbed. After a few moments I tried to wipe the mascara from under my eyes, but when that didn't work I just put on my sunglasses..I know, it's not very inconspicuous, but Joel's mom would be there to pick us up at any moment....she didn't even know we were pregnant.

We decided to do a D&C so they could take the baby and get it tested to see why we miscarried. I had a dead baby inside of me....and the thought was making extremely uncomfortable as I waited a week to get the surgery. The night before I was so scared. I had no idea what was going to happen....finally I drifted off to sleep somewhere after 2:30 am. I had to be up at 4:30 to leave by 5 and be there by 6. Since I couldn't sleep I was scared I was going to miss the appointment, but it turns out I didn't need to worry as I shot up in bed at 4:30, breathing hard from a nightmare....I had an image of me laying on a cold sterile operating table clutching on to Joel's arm as they ripped my baby from me--and now instead of the thought of the dead baby inside of me, I couldn't seem to comprehend the fact that it was going to be so coldly taken away. We got there and I couldn't stop the steady stream of tears streaming down my face as I sat, so cold, in the recliner while they hooked me up to an IV. The following days were blurred. Then the temperature spike the next day and the "hemroging" 4 days later were just icing on the cake.

I was officially 7 weeks! Almost past the worry point. My back had begun to hurt abit that morning- I have back issues tho, so I didn't think much of it. Then I started getting "af type" cramping--the doctor had assured me before that it was normal. So, I was good to go! Joel had come home early from work so we decided to go get some wings. It was a rainy, cloudy, and dark day as we drove to the restaraunt. My back continued to hurt as we ate, and the cramping seemed to be getting worse. I excused myself to the restroom, and as I sat there I saw it- a spot of blood. Panic was flooding through my veins as I hunched over and desperatley pled "please, God..no..please". I regained my composure and walked out to call my doctor. As soon as I got in the car I started to cry as anything and everything I had done went racing thru my mind. What had I done? We went to the doctor's office where I saw a nurse. She informed me that it looked like I was bleeding more than I had thought, but she couldn't tell me much more than that...she just set up an ultra sound for the next morning. As we checked out...I looked down at the sheet of paper where my diagnosis was written: "spontaneous abortion". I have no idea how I fell asleep that night...but somehow it was the next morning and we had to go in for the ultra sound..I was still so hopeful. I hadn't stood up for a day at this point and had started taking progesterone. Then there was the ultra sound--they couldn't see anything--nothing, nada, zilch. I went home, confused (I thought to myself that they must not have looked hard enough!). Then the contractions started. There I was at home--Joel had stayed home, but he was in another room and I felt so alone. I was in so much pain and I sat there on the toilet...all of my dreams and hopes flushed cruelly away in a sea of blood. After about 4 hours the pain started to subside and I started to feel a little better--I thought it was all over. Just then I felt something so I looked--and there it was--my baby. I cried out for Joel and he came running, I just cried and pointed as I tried to make out the words, but there was no need, he knew what I was saying. He grabbed me and held so tightly and while I had never before seen him cry, we stood there in eachothers arms sobbing. After awhile I took my little baby and placed it in a baggy...then I had to find the perfect little box-- a Christmas card box would due. I called my doctor and they wanted my to bring it in to confirm what I already knew. It was so hard to sit in that office--all of the pregnant women, sitting there and complaining about all of the aches and pains...but then a couple came bursting thru the door, beaming with pride as they talked (very louly I might add) on their cell phone. And where would they choose to sit? Directly across from me of coarse! I sat there with my tiny makeshift coffin as they called everyone they knew exclaiming"It's a boy!"...I wanted to cry so much...but I couldn't, I couldn't do anything....I was numb.

finally 2 lines!

It was official. The definition of infertlity is clearly stated as "unsuccessful conception after an entire year of unprotected intercourse: I was technically "infertile". After a year of fertility drugs and painful (and quite embarressing) tests..I was left with nothing to show for. So there I lay in the dark on the bed in our guest room...I just wanted to be alone (yet I wanted my husband to come in and hold me--that would prove difficult for him tho as I ripped his head off anytime he came near me, stupid clomid)..so I just laid there, crying until I fell asleep. Nobody knew how hurt I was or how confused I was, I don't think anybody even knew we were "trying". I thought for a long time about what the next step should be, and I decided I couldn't just wait...I had to go on with me life. So I quite my job at Dillard's where I worked as a makeup artist and decided to get my degree in elementary ed. I had turned in my application and only had one more set of transcripts to turn in when it happened. I couldn't believe it! I sat there staring at this little white stick. I had seen so many before, staring me in the face with a stark whiteness...but this one wasn't blank...I saw it...there were 2 lines!!! I was shaking as I tried to go back to bed without waking my husband (that didn't last long). I shook him a little and said "sweetie..I'm pregnant!"...he (still sleeping I'm sure) rolled over a little and said "that's great! I had a dream you were pregnant..." then he promptly rolled back over and fell back asleep. ...and now the panic set in. I didn't want to lose this precious miracle that I had waited what seemed like an eternity for. I was so careful to eat right and I didn't excersice (or really clean for that matter...ya know--chemicals , hehe). I prayed everynight that everything would be okay. I couldn't help but be excited. I looked at all of the maternity websites...I even started looking at different ways to decorate the nursery. Every night I went to bed happy knowing that I was preggers and every morning when Joel kissed me goodbye, I would wake up just a little and smile-overwhelmed with happiness.