The machine is broken

I've never written this down...so here goes nothing.Joel and I decided on a whim to get an IUI done. It happened so quickly. We met with the Dr. on a Wednesday, I got the trigger shot the next day, and then on Friday Joel's best swimmers were hmmm, how do I put this..brought closer to the egg? Anyways, 2 weeks later I sat with a cheap equate hpt in one hand and a cup of my pee on the counter, debating on whether or not to test. Finally I ripped it and dunked it in the cup for 20 second (ok, fine...25 seconds...because those extra 5 seconds magically make another line appear) all the while I was so frickin' mad at myself! I had just wasted $3.50!! What the heck was I thinking?! I set the stupid test down and walked ubruptly out of the room, and then, of coarse, I was mad...but still curious. I sighed as I walked back in there, and as I shook my head and rolled my eyes I quickly glanced down (not believeing I was actually going to indulge my curiousity only to find another negative test) and as I walked out again I realized...it wasn't blank! I ran back in, picked up the test and it was as if it were a neon sign blinking *pregnant*pregnat*pregnant*! I was shaking so badly! But I still managed to get on the internet to see when the due date would be....it was St. Patrick's Day!! The anniversary of mine and Joel's first date. How perfect. It was like a fairy tale. Then shear horror swept thru my body as I thought "what if Imiscarry!" I couldn't possibly miscarry...I had already done that! It doesn't happen more than once!....right?

I spent the next 5 weeks in utter terror (and read every single Harry Potter book...again) . When I came to my 9th week I started to calm down. I was sure everything would be fine. I had my second Dr.'s appointment at 9wks 4days. My friend (who was a month behind me) came with me. I told the Dr. I felt pretty good (we had seen the heartbeat at 6 wks 3 days) but it would be nice if I could get another ultrasound, just so I could finally breathe a little easier. This being the awesome dr. he is, agreed saying we could find some excuse for the insurance company and they told me they could fit me in that afternoon. I called Joel to see if he wanted to be there and he said yes. My friend was looking a little queezy, so I told her that Joel was coming and she could go ahead and go home (she drove). Joel finally got there and I told him I was excited and blah, blah, blah and that pheobe was there blah blah blah...then he stopped me and asked "wait..Pheobe left?"
"yeah" I replied looking a little puzzled "it's not like I need a ride home"
He rubbed his forehead and with an aggitated sigh said "Ruth...I got dropped off...."
"Crap..."
He called his mom to see if she could come pick us up and soon after that we were called in for the ultra sound! I laid there draped in my oversized napkin as she did her thing. There it was! On the screen...wait.. I think their machine is broken...it says 8wks 5 days, but I'm 9 wks 4 days, hmm...that's okay, sometimes the dates are off. She fiddled around and said the little guy was being tricky and hiding, she couldn't find the heartbeat then she left to go get the Doctor. Just then my heart sank...I knew it only took 30 seconds max to find a heartbeat...I felt like I was in a dream. The doctor came in, the ultrasound tech fiddled around some more, typed a bunch of numbers in and I just sat there looking at my doctors furrowed brow. As he began to speak about having a D&C or waiting to see if I would miscarry naturally, it seemed like everything went really fuzzy, I know he was saying things and as I sat there, biting my lip so hard to stop from crying (however, a few tears managed to leak out), I just nodded my head. I had lost something so valuable and something that could never be replaced- my precious baby. After he left Joel quickly came to my side and I grabbed him so hard and just sobbed. After a few moments I tried to wipe the mascara from under my eyes, but when that didn't work I just put on my sunglasses..I know, it's not very inconspicuous, but Joel's mom would be there to pick us up at any moment....she didn't even know we were pregnant.

We decided to do a D&C so they could take the baby and get it tested to see why we miscarried. I had a dead baby inside of me....and the thought was making extremely uncomfortable as I waited a week to get the surgery. The night before I was so scared. I had no idea what was going to happen....finally I drifted off to sleep somewhere after 2:30 am. I had to be up at 4:30 to leave by 5 and be there by 6. Since I couldn't sleep I was scared I was going to miss the appointment, but it turns out I didn't need to worry as I shot up in bed at 4:30, breathing hard from a nightmare....I had an image of me laying on a cold sterile operating table clutching on to Joel's arm as they ripped my baby from me--and now instead of the thought of the dead baby inside of me, I couldn't seem to comprehend the fact that it was going to be so coldly taken away. We got there and I couldn't stop the steady stream of tears streaming down my face as I sat, so cold, in the recliner while they hooked me up to an IV. The following days were blurred. Then the temperature spike the next day and the "hemroging" 4 days later were just icing on the cake.